I had become mentally weak and I realized this very late .Yes there had been many hard experiences I have been through but I had real strong will power when I was a child compared to when I grew up
Specially after what I had gone through recently changed me .Its said that pain doesn’t leave you until it had taught you.
Once you have acquired the lessons pain leaves . I was constantly on the path of self-pity and playing the role of victim .You don’t realize this when you are doing this to yourself .
I had totally lost the power of being calm .Anything could upset me and trouble me .And for that I would blame the circumstances .Yeah I agree some circumstances disturb you inner peace
But if you cannot do anything about it then you should leave the situation .
That’s the art of not giving a fuck .I was so unstable that I could go down the street with a bucket of fucks, giving them out to everyone.
I had to develop that attitude of not giving a fuck and I had applied that in some points of life ,but some parts were still a work in progress. I had to stop being vulnerable to the hardest of situation and understand that if I give fuck about anything from now on ,I would reevaluate the situation.
I was still in the race of that marathon of getting married .I tried it a few times but the concept of arranged marriage didn’t suit me at all.
So there was a complete standard process for getting arranged marriage .I was looking for someone with whom I could spend my rest of life .
Again I declared myself victim of the arranged marriage process .So I looked back where did I go wrong and found that were somethings that I wanted but the other person did not so the conclusion.
I had to accept the fact that I had my own way and couldn’t follow the standard processes .
Now to keep on going in the marathon ,I could either change myself and follow the rules and could easily get married .But I also knew deep down in my heart that change would be superficial and would fall short as soon as something went wrong .
So instead of feeling the victim ,I decided not to care about the situation and follow my heart.
I had to focus on my dream and remain active because once I thought of going through the process again ,I felt it was real time waste and also not me .
I knew people won’t understand me ,but that was ok with me .Because it would save me in the long run of not taking the wrong decision.