I have lived my life worrying all the time .I could create worry out of nowhere .The more I was growing up the more worried I became .Obviously worry comes from thinking all the time .As a child also I could be lost in thoughts all the time that came out of nowhere and ended no where . But I was quite stable ,I could get up and do things I wanted to do.I could take my own decisions .I had confusions but in the end it was me who took all my decisions .Like what I wanted to take as my subjects whether mathematics or biology .My parents thought I would be opting for bio but I was more interested in mathematics ,because who could learn so many things right .I could earn the decisions and made sure that those were right .Most important thing,I could love the process when I took a decision which I couldn’t as of now .
I was so friendly some days and some days I was so filled with anger.It could show on my face my behavior ,which I could hardly notice it by myself .It was when one of my friend pointed that out to me .It was confusing for people around .It was like they knew me but then the other second they didn’t knew me even a little.
I was so random on picking up things to do .I had to have a short term project to complete when I was in the blackout .Nothing good came from it .It was like I went in that zone out of frustration and no direction and came back with nothing new .It was like I had short term memory loss .I could flush my memory myself .Only problem was I wanted to forget rather than make peace with it . I was still the same as I was a child but at the most unstable place .I couldn’t grab support from people around me .If I wanted to do something I wanted to do it alone .My mind was so entangled in the hiding that I forgot what was to grow good relationships .I had always something going on but doing persisted .It was on my mind one day and was out of my mind the other day . I clearly didn’t wanted to indulge in what was going around .I had to have a direction if I didn’t wanted to .If somebody knew my thoughts I was afraid .It was not like I didn’t wanted to know about other people ,I was genuinely interested but people create a whole wind around and that might shift me from the direction I wanted .I believed my gut rather than anyone .I found myself talking to myself sometimes aloud and finding and reassuring in believing in myself
So I decided that if I had to be worried and that worry was in my nature than why not I gave my worries a direction.Lets have some problems to be solved ,lets have things to be worried about .I could never answer the question when some one asked me that what I wanted to do in life .
I had ideas ,mostly good ,I needed direction but where I could get that .I was always good at hiding myself from the child hood .It was like I had lived my life hiding .That’s was I was best at .I was unpredictable.I didn’t talk to people because I didn’t wanted anyone to know what was on my mind.Also because if they ask me something ,and I told them that I was going do this or that and later when I changed it to something else they would judge for like you told them this .I didn’t wanted to be judged .
The thing that I lacked in myself was not action plan.The stability to pursue the action plan!!!! .
I came to a conclusion ,It was okay to live in phases and secondly ,I didn’t needed to prove to others what I was and what I was doing with my life .I no more needed the validation from others that I was heading in right direction or not. I wanted advice but using that was my choice .I had stopped relying on others for the cause of my happiness .I was happy alone at-least I could be me .I didn’t put up a face when around people to reach their likeliness.I didn’t wanted to be liked anymore .I wanted to be valued .
I had reached a point when I was not interested in why people liked me but was interested in why they hated me .Journey within had started and this was first day on it .