I took life very seriously.I think alot and I would say I am a negative person .I needed a lot of inspiration to do something in life .When I was small I used to keep on reading self help books and used to behave positively based on them .It worked till the time I was small .Once I became a teenager none of the books worked .
What you don’t understand now ,you will understand later .We live life forward .We understand it backward…Now I understand why I didn’t work.Back then once I came out of school ,I took a lot of pressure and somehow I didn’t believe myself .I thought negative about myself .Again no one was there who could help me .I had to fight it alone .I started having self doubts .I never knew how to reach for help .I don’t even know it today .I started thinking I was not enough,and that I have been success because I have been in this school for a long time .I started thinking that in the outer world I would not be able to do anything and might not be able to com-petite with other kids .This made me insecure and killed my confidence .Now I started thinking ,when the first results came out I did well and infact I did top the class and that too in the subject I was not that good .But the social awkwardness and my confidence to make friends was already killed .I still couldn’t make much friends .I started feeling alone .I did well ,and came out with flying colors but I could never make friends .And that was because I always felt anxiety and nervousness while talking to others Whenever anyone made fun of me I got this sudden feeling like everybody was laughing at me .I started feeling aloof and always kept on thinking what people would have been thinking about me .I was so engrossed in pleasing people that I forgot to do what was supposed to be done .Once I cleared the exams I was unhappy because the college I was aspiring to I couldn’t get .I lost more of confidence .And the social me had already lost myself ,so basically I went into depression .I couldn’t ask anyone for help as always It was not because of the ego ,after the incident I started thinking embarrassed all the time .This did not effect me till I was in college .There were boys around me .I was in co head earlier too but everybody knew each other and nobody saw me each other in that way .Once you reach teenage ,you know there are some differences in your body and I started feeling embarrassed for all of the changes .Around me ,all my friends were talking about their new girlfriends or boyfriends so charmingly but I felt panicked by the idea of having a boyfriend being a girl. I watched my friends get along so easily with boys ,I couldn’t .Although I couldn’t get along with anyone around due to hesitation .Even the friends I made in college I was always aloof from them .Also I am not sure but no one cared to break this bubble on me .I remained in my shyness and others remained in their own lives .I felt people were mean to me or may be I was being overly sensitive ,but no body seems to care .I had a roommate,I had so many friends but no one with whom I could share and be normal or be myself .I was too shy and embarrassed of myself all the time .So I just started pleasing myself .I realized that nobody could understand what you are going through until you tell them .And also whatever I was going should have told it to my parents .I didn’t have guts to tell my parents because what they could do now .The damage was already done .May be if I told them earlier then they might have pitched in and taken control of the situations and saved me .But I already lived it ,and time was gone so nothing could be done ,Secondly ,I was frightened that if they told other people that I would have to live in disgust at home also .So I dropped that idea .I wanted to take help but didn’t have anyone so close whom I could share ,so I did what I am best it ,burrowing the pain and acting like everything was fine and I was the culprit for everything that is happening to me .That way nobody was the culprit and I could be okay with the fact that nobody is close to me because I was reason .
I learnt that time that its a waste blaming anyone for anything that has happened to your life .I tried to tell and share all my secrets to one of my friend but it didn’t help because when I told her ,I thought her to be my best friend but clearly it was not so .Then I saw around thought my roommate was my best friend but it was not so . Everybody I thought would give me emotional support gave it at some cost .They were always having some or the other work for me and I couldn’t say no to anything .I was way too emotional at that time and I had only one friend whom I could talk,she has also gone through some sadness in her life and she was also too thoughtful like me .But what hurt me that I couldn’t be like other girls of my age ,who went out ,looked good ,felt good about themselves.I was clearly having negative self confidence and my self esteem was nowhere around me .
Then I started searching things on internet and started talking to one of the guy .At that time facebook was not that famous.We were using Orkut ,so unknowingly I was looking for one of my friends and visited his profile and then we started talking and I started liking him
When I came back from college I would talk to him and could be happy .At that time I was living at home and when my father found out that I was talking to some guy he got furious ,I was already unsure of myself all the time ,so I stopped talking to him .He lived in the same city and I wanted to meet him ,be friends with him but couldn’t .On the same line ,he asked me several times why I stopped talking ,I was too afraid to talk to him because first of all he told me he started liking me and I was not sure about the same ,so I was afraid to tell him no and secondly I was also afraid that if I started liking him then what ? .I thought alot and dropped the idea of talking to him .I just wanted a friend who could understand me .He was good friend but I was not sure if I liked him .Also at that time ,friendships among girls and boys for some reasons was frowned upon .I hid everything inside me and stopped being friends with anyone .I just went to college and came back .
I became invisible to everyone !!!!!