When you are going through a trauma ,you usually don’t know know that you are going through one.Once its over you get to know through its repercussions and the scar it left you with .When I was small,I didn’t know what I was going through .When something is too close to your eye you can’t see it clearly .You could only see it if you visualize it from a distance.
I feared alot which I still do .My mother was really strict .And no there was a different level of strictness. I remember my family rented a place wherein there were common place to fill water and common terrace shared with two to three other tenants . Someone complained about me while I was playing and my mother went so furious that she hit me hot tongs .She was cooking at that time and no the tongs were not that hot but she intentionally heated it and then put it on my left arm .I couldn’t lift my arm for about 15 days and I was a kid of about 3 to 4 years of age .
There was another incident when someone complained about my bad behavior and my mother made me stand all day out in sun for about 8 hours, naked .I was a kid but yet I was a girl I was so embarrassed .There were 3 to 4 families living there. And there were kids around. I cried all day while standing there with anyone walking past me staring at me .I felt embarrassed.In the beginning few minutes of the punishment I tried to apologize and create a pity face so that I could be relieved from the punishment but as the hours swept by ,I felt less embarrassed and more mentally strong .I didn’t wanted to apologize and I didn’t .It was hard but I learnt one thing that day that never show you weakness .The minute I stopped crying ,and feeling embarrassed,it was okay to bear the punishment .I grew that attitude and stuck to it until now .Nothing could break me for past 26 years so why now I felt broken .I was astonished at myself .May be I lost myself in the process of trying to fight and hold on to the things as they were.May be in the process each day I gave in I became more weak and broken inside .May be I changed and this what I am now .
Why I couldn’t hold myself when he was going .Why I lost the will power I had .May be I had been strong for an ample amount of time and when I thought that I need not to be strong now ,it became the end of easy times .
Any failure doesn’t come in a day .Its a result of your thoughts piling on .When you think you had overcome something its only a phase which you had overcome .May be the child in me was not fully recovered .I don’t know what happened or may be I was always like this!!!!
The mother didn’t recognize,what I had become .